Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
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Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.