Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
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I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*