India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
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[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Skills
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
oppen heimer style lol
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
#catsoftwitter
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room