Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
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All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…