“I FIXED IT!”
You Might Also Like
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.