To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
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any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Do not levitate over flowers
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice