The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
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that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now