pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
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An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.