I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.