My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
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sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?