Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
You Might Also Like
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
do u think theres a butter planet?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.