Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
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I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.