“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
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1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
this is the best interaction on twitter
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW