*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
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Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Not today
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
lmfao come on
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.