Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
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Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.