[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes