a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
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I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed