My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
can’t catch a break
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.