me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
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[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*