BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
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Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.