[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
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My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.