Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
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The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.