Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
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i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG