Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
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I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
fly smarter, not harder
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.