In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
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You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.