Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
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someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.