[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
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accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk