They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
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I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need