I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
You Might Also Like
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Don’t talk down to me
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?