Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
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in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
what day is it?
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.