Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
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My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”