STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Just me and my debit card against the world
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”