My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
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Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”