Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
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I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
jesus, what did this guy do
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄