I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
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Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him