I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
You Might Also Like
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
We’ve come full circle
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.