god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
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[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
A man of commitment.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay