I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
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Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many