I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.