I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
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Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol