wishing you and yours all the best
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Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands