I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
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My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night