Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
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My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
“You’d better run, egg!”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.