Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
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I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.