We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
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married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“Huge”.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.