Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
You Might Also Like
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
#titanic
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh