Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
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And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times