if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Netflix and awkward silence?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.