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There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
c’mon!
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa