The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
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Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!